whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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