and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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