Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
