two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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