John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
