So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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