im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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