Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
