Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's shark week go big or go home
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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