Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
