Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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