I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
