I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
