I accidentally burped into my bong.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
