well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
