she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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