you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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