My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
