God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I love how my cats smell like pot.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Randomize
