i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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