She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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