Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
