I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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