i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
