I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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