It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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