i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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