what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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