its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
