mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Walk of Shame today included voting.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
