Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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