I think my fart just growled at me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
