remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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