once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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