So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
