Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
