I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
