you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
