When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
