Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
