just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
