Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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