I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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