$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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