she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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