Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
