Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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