I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
