I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
