I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
