I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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