When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
